Tuesday, September 18, 2007

"She cried more, more, more..."

Uncle's fourth installment of his screenplay is up and available at www.theunclegun.com. If you would like to catch up on his first three installments, please scroll down- links are posted below.

Thanks and happy reading!

PS. I watched a little season 3 last night. More to come- I have a few things to talk about.

14 comments:

Girlscout said...

My brain hurts Uncle. I don't know up from down. Couple things...

1. I don't think Syd has ever called Vaughn sweetheart or dear. I don't think they have ever had pet names for each other.
2. Bringing Jack back to life? I think my suspension of disbelief just went out the window. Sorry.
3. The Star Wars comment seems like something Marshall would say, not Syd.

I think all that happened in this section was hard for me because I couldn't see the doubles, I couldn't see the new weapons. Its hard not having a visual, though I am able to picture all the characters.

uncle111 said...

GS-
Dear and sweatheart was play acting for their prisoner- part of an act involving the idea of disecting her.
Jack- it just made sense with what they had done in the finale that someting of Jack would mix with the red fluid in the explosion, keeping it alive. Hang in there and I think you will like the twist that comes. Remember, this is Alias with Alias twists and turns.
Star Wars- I'm not real happy with that either. I was in a hurry. It is on my list to change.
This section really does need visuals. Well, being a screenplay it all needs visuals, but this section really does.
Also, the AMOS suits and the guns are all based on technology currently being developed.

What do you all think about the Conrad/Kendall/Sloane reveals?

Girlscout said...

Oh, I see- okay, okay, I remember that other time she did that, with the guy she had all tied up in his underwear. Hahahaha!

Page48 said...

The training facility reminds me of the Holodeck in "Star Trek", complete with indoor blue sky etc...

Just like Marshall to apply a geek upgrade to an already bodacious weapon.

This instalment brings in a whole lot of sci-fi gadgetry, the floating body bags scooped up by passing aircraft, the line of invisible-man clothing like a personal cloaking device. Marshall must be diggin' on this assignment.

We always considered the possibility that the exploding Jack could have come in contact with the Rambaldi Cocktail while still in the cave. Whether such contact was made in the cave or later on in the lab in India, it would seem to be the only plausible way for Jack to return. That's stretching the meaning of plausible, but, yes, this is "Alias".

Uncle, FWIW, when you first mentioned some time ago the possibility of Jack returning, I thought it would likely involve some sort of Rambaldi time-travel, allowing Jack to avoid being killed in the first place.

uncle111 said...

I can't wait for you all to read the ending!! I'm having to keep so many secrets.

Also, the weapons and invisibilty suits are actually developed/in development.

The P5 captive being swept into the air- was used by Syd and Noah Hicks as an extraction method while riding a motorcycle.

Robetron said...

Umm... Part four?

I know I am not able to return here as often as I'd like, but where is part three? I see a thread below that offers parts one and two, but nothing about part three. I'm hoping this is just a minor oversight. I'll wait to read the part attached to this thread until I know I am up to speed.

-R.

uncle111 said...

Robetron,
http://www.samaritanarts.com/Alias/Revelation-a.JPG is for part one. Part 2 uses -b after Revelation. Part 3 uses -c.
Let me know what you think about it.

Robetron said...

Part 3 notes as I read...

1. Kendall talking to Elena?! What? No! Kendall doesn't go bad!

2. Typo - Presedent talking, should be "by Dr. Marcovic" not "my Dr. Marcovic"

3. possible typo - 15th classroom? or 15th century classroom? I would understnd the second one.

4. I hope the similarities re: Rambaldi's youth to that of Christ is only coincedental. I would personally not be fond of a realistic connection.

5. Loving the background information on Rambaldi and how he was betrayed by Conrad. One question: Conrad narrating his own betrayal seems a bit odd. Bad guys usually justify their actions, rather than confess them. Is this the same Conrad? David Carodine's character visibly died in Syd's arms. I'm having trouble reconciling it in my head.

6. Conrad's daughter? Elena is supposed to be Irena's sister, with whom she grew up. I'm confused. Elena is Conrad's chosen one? She doesn't look a thing like the image on page 47, so I am thinking there must be a yin/ yang, Rambaldi/ anti-Rambaldi thing going on with Conrad.

7. Arvinicus! I literally laughed with tears in my eyes at the name. I'm not saying change it. I'm just saying that its a little... over the top. Its really not a problem considering the extreme level of re-written history and SciFi that has happened in Alias in the past. Just be cautious about becoming too "Buck Rogers" on us.

8. Uh... so, if Sloane was already immortal since the 15th century, what was the big deal with the "Rambaldi fluid" in the tomb? He didn't need it to be immortal again, did he? Again, this is really streching my ability to lend credulity. One thing is certain, with Alias, I always keep watching (or in this case, reading) to see if things begin to make sense later.

9. Love Rachel's kid-brother comment. Its perfect for her character.

10. Perfect Marshal moment with the candy bar. Ha! Weise being smug about his newly aquired authority over Devlin and his access to the President is a smile-maker too.

11. Syd calling her "Aunt Elena" could only be pulled-off with a sarcasitc snear, and even then, I'm not certain Syd would say it. She has always avoided terms that identify her with the enemies by flatly using their names.

12. Rachel - she's still very green when it comes to espionage. I don't know if you have a place for it in the narative, but I would show her struggling to accept the idea that they are being tasked to assasinate people.

13. Vaugh speaking: I think he would be likely to say the colloquialism correctly - "bearing down on us" I know its natural for folks to confuse certain ideas and then the colloquialisms, but Vaughn is not the type. Unless, of course, the F-22's were literally "barreling," but that visual image seems a little senseless.

14. Was Syd holding Izzy while riding in the Humvee? That seems uncharacteristically irresponsible of her. She seems like the type that would be the over-protective mom.

15. If the Army Rangers are the only ones that know anything about the Alias team, who is going to run the underground facility? Who is staffing the fast food restaurants? You-know-who is in the details.

16. Are you sure our "best in the world" feild agents really need PT training?

17. Eleminates muscle soreness? Like, it increases the speed of the muscle's healing? They call that anabolic steriods, and there is a good reason why they do not hand them out at sporting events. Perhaps a bit more elaboration on this "experimental new drug" showing that it is not anabolic steriods.

Last thoughts:

I am intregued with the revelation regarding Rambaldi, Conrad, and Sloane. I've yet to make sense out of it, but I'm haning-in-there.

I mean no offense, but I would cut the entire bit about Furguson taking them through a Ranger's training regemin. It should not turn into a Rangers informercial, and we should have no doubts about our hero's ability to do their job. It looks like an excuse for Marshal and Weise to be funny, and anything unnecessary to the story would be trimmed to maintain the fast-paced feel of Alias. This is only my opinion; take it or leave it, as you will.

Now, on to part 4...

-R

uncle111 said...

Robetron-
2 & 3- yes.
4- coincidental- yes. It is mostly based on what they told us of him at various times, but fleshing it out some.
5 & 6- same Conrad. It will all make sense later.
7- I did a search on 15th century names and found Conrad, and either Arvinicus, or that -icus was a common ending for names. Seemed like a good fit based on what I was doing with the characters.
8- will make more sense in section 4.
11- yes, it is sarcastically, and with some darkness, given her comment that she is willing to kill her, that she never liked her anyway. One of those you have to see the actor say it moments.
13- I guess it's being from west Texas. I would show them coming in very fast. Thes jets are incredibly fast and stealthy.
14- I imagined it to be staffed by military people who don't know who the Alias team is and what they are doing and don't want or have a need to know. I know people who work at a nuke facility who are like that.
16- yeah, after several 3-4 weeks off. SWAT teams do trainging constantly because even after a week or two off their skill level begins to droop.
17- Yeah, a little extra explanation there would be good.

The training section was always negotiable in my mind, but I didn't have time to put it aside and let it cool off before doing another rewrite. The main reason I put the training section in there was personal. The new fencing technology is a concept I have and have shared with a top US fencing coach. If it could be worked into something that got publicity it would increase the chances that it could actually get developed.

uncle111 said...

The fencing scene- it also would make a good visual. I think there is a way to keep it and cut most of the other training.

Robetron said...

Part 4 notes as I read...

1. They have a "Danger room" like the X-Men. Cool, but this is necessary to the story how? I know you are into fencing, Uncle, but do you not see it as a little self-indulgent to write a fencing scene for ALIAS? This show has never been about them getting special training for their missions. Any scene where they were working out has been incedental to a sub-plot line developing while they engage in their every-day ruitines. You may be trying too hard here.

2. If you leave the fensing in, you may want to think about removing the sound effects of "Ping." Screenplays generally don't include such things.

3. Laughing histerically at Kendall calling for "Arvinicus." ...you mean to tell us that Kendall was a bad guy working for and with Elena through seasons 2, 3, 4 and 5? Sorry... not buying it.

4. I have no problem with the Star Wars comment, though I suspect she, like Francy, thought more of Empire Strikes Back.

5. One millione rounds per minute? Did you say these are actual weapons being developed currently? Or is this an exaggeration of those? If so, I might pull it back a little to make it more believable.

Just a side discussion: What good would three rounds in one hole be? A 9 mm round is usually enough to go right through a body. Two more after it would do little damage if in the same wound. A.40 cal. has the stopping power by itself and two more rounds behind it would simply drive the first out the back of the target, wouldn't it?

Explosive ammo... now that's cool, but that pales in comparison to the glasses that see what the weapon sees.

The inviso-suit strains credulity too, but I'm okay with it.

6. Spending too much time outside the story... If writing for a sceenplay, there is not nearly enough time to go through all the details and conversations that occur in every scene. Ya gotta trim the fat.

7. Have I missed the part where Marshal discovered the means by which the clones could be discerned from the originals? How is it they are tracking the right ones on satilite? I'm left scratching my head here.

8. Okay, you've explained some of the questions regarding the Derevkos, and Arvinicus (guffaw), but wait just a minute... Nadia had eggs at 7 years old? Maybe I'm more ignorant of the functioning of female reproductive organs than I thought. Someone educate me. I thought eggs were not produced until after puberty has begun. Am I wrong? If not, this part of the narative needs to be re-worked.

9. Aww common! Sloane quoting Hammlet? I doubt very highly if he'd be making jokes about Jack being blown to bits. Sloane never was given to jockularity, and I doubt if "madness" would make him become glib about the people he cared the most about in regular life.

Okay, the first scene in part one makes sense as to why Syd would shoot Dixon. (Why the clone tranked Dixion is beyond me.) To be honest, however, I'm having trouble keeping track of who belongs to whom, and how so many characters are not who they are. It's like none of the information we had in the first five seasons of the show matter; we are just supposed to disregard what we thought we knew about everyone. Plus, it is so far into the scifi that there is little with which the reader may identify. One of the biggest reasons for the decline in Alias' ratings was due to the scifi drift it took. Trying to fix the plot-flaws with more scifi is like putting out a fire with gasoline. I know the director of this would do his best to keep it looking real, but you have to help him out some.

I do not mean to discourage or deflate. I am only offering my thoughts, as you asked.

uncle111 said...

Robetron-
3- stay tuned.
5- The guns- it's called Metal Storm and is in production now. Yes, one million per.
Ammo- depends on the type of slug you use. Fragmenting rounds don't over penetrate and dump their kenetic energy inside the body. Three in one hole- massive damage. Go up to .40 or .45 and get more, but at this point it would be overkill.
Inviso-suite- the technology is underway for use on tanks (imagine inviso-tanks. Marshall used it on a little remote control hotwheel to get it close to some security cameras to knock them out. I don't know if they can make them practicle or not, but they have experimented with suits.
6- This isn't marketable anyway, so I let it fat(though you should see the stacks of paper I cut from it already. As I've said before, this is really a mini-seirs, or storyline for a season. I'm thinking of a radical rewrite to utilize the main Alias saving elements. That one will be better about the fat.
7- I don't know if something got dropped in converting the pages to jpegs, but he should have explained that there is a small electrical signal they give off because of a dissonance between their untransformed brains and their DNA changed bodies. If you know the frequency and are close enough you can pick it up.
P5 doubles are tracked by normal means of surveillance uplinked to tasked sattelites.
8- If I am correct, females are born with all the eggs they will ever have. The women can correct me if I'm wrong about that.
9-Yeah, I admit to that being silly. It looked better in my head as part of him really losing touch with reality than it sounds.
10-I hope you'll see in the end that I had to follow the path they created on the sci-fi angle in order to knock it down a few notches. To not do so would be to ignore what went before rather than deal with it.
Looking forward to your comments about what's to come.

Tammy said...

Wow Uncle!! I have just now read (quickly) all four installments!

I don't have any specific comments to offer, but wow- you've really done a great job here!!

I enjoyed the continuation of the story so much - I've been missing the show! And reading your screenplays - just what I needed!!

I am going to try to re-read again (slower) and maybe have some specific comments!

uncle111 said...

Tammy,
I'm glad you like it. I'll be interested in your comments after a second read.